Recently some "wonderful Democrats", reeling from the fact that they had their heads handed to them in the election, have posted various long screeds with a proposed "new map" of the United States in which they essentially propose that the "blue states" secede from the Union and join with Canada to form the "new" United States of Canada.
You dub the rest of us - the majority of the landmass of the nation - "Jesusland." (the map is
here.)
Nor is this just one guy with a wild hair up his behind. The talk of secession has become semi-serious in the last couple of weeks, along with the tin-foil-lined-hat folks talking about various election conspiracy theories.
My response to all of you loonies?
Go ahead and secede.
Please.
What would the "United States of Canada" be faced with?
It's winter time around these parts. I'm sure all of you up there who think so fondly of us in "Jesusland" would like to heat your homes. There is but one small problem. We have the oil and natural gas down here in Jesusland. We'll have an extra-special price for 'yall up there in that fine country for your heating oil and natural gas.
Reeeeallll speshul.
Now you know why they call 'em "blue states" - that'll be the color of your skin this winter.
Oh, as for Mr. Kerry and his 27 Suburbans (kinda like the Muslim 27 virgin rule, 'ya know?) He'll need some gasoline for them, as will all the rest of you snobs in New York City and elsewhere. I'm sure you won't mind paying $50/gallon for your gasoline, right? After all, driving those evil SUVs contributes to global warming, and we're committed to insuring that you help out the planet with a whole lot of global
cooling this winter, starting right in your homes! Idling all your SUVs won't hurt 'ya...... much.
Lest you think you'll just crank up your
electric heaters, you need to look at your maps again. Nearly all of the power in this nation is generated by the combustion of fossil fuels, including of course coal. Oh yeah - we have all the coal down here in Jesusland too. You kinda forgot that, I think. Since you guys are so incredibly enlightened about the plight of the planet with your worries about greenhouse gases and global warming, I'm sure you won't mind if we keep all that nasty black and smelly coal for ourselves.
Next, there's this little matter of food. See, we grow it, and you like to eat it. Sadly for you, we have all the bread - and the beef. Literally. You think Kobe beef is expensive? You ain't seen nothing yet. We'll give up our Maine Lobster - after all, its a bit foo-foo for us Jesus freaks anyway - but I bet you can't go without
your McDonalds! You can keep your cheese(heads), we'll keep our steak.
Now, on to this little matter of borders. We're closing ours with you. You want to visit sunny Florida to fix your blue-skin problem? That's good by us. Visa stamps will be $500 per day, per person. Not having one, by the way, is a crime punishable by summary execution. So is smuggling. You know how we Jesus Freaks are about drugs and such, so don't even think about it.
Oh, and on drugs, including liquor and tobacco - we know you guys like to talk about tobacco taxes, but we also know you smoke like chimneys. And we know you can't deal with lunch unless you have your martinis - especially Theresa, who has her "headache cure" (yeah, right.) That's really Kool by us - since you've already gotten used to the idea of high tobacco and liquor taxes, I'm sure you won't mind if we charge you $100 for a pack of Marlboros, and $50 for a bottle of cheap gin. The expensive stuff will be more, of course.
You complained about a claimed tax imbalance. That's perfectly ok. Now that you can't heat your homes, fuel your cars, eat animal protein, or even drown your sorrows over your misfortune with a beer, you'll also discover that we seem to have all the money too!
Lest you think that military power might be the answer to your problems, you might want to look at that map again. We have basically all of the conventional military power in Jesusland, the entire nuclear land-based arsenal, and we can - and will - defend ourselves. See, unlike you fine folks who are freezing and starving up there in the United States of Canada, we down here in Jesusland actually
believe in the Second Amendment.
Our soldiers will have fuel for their tanks, food to eat, and they'll be warm in the winter - yours will have none of the above. Since we believe in the right to keep and bear arms, we also have all of the firearm - and ammunition - manufacturers. We know you guys have given us a hard time about our gun-toting, pickup-truck hillbillys with their shotgun racks in back for years.
We suspect you will discover just how badly your campaign to ban firearms and sue manufacturers sucks when you actually
need some for yourself!
Unlike our beef and gasoline, the guns are
not for sale.
We will, however, be happy to demonstrate the "business end" to you if you insist.
